In this golden age of hookup apps – Tinder for mostly straight people; Grindr for mostly gay people; Ashley Madison for mostly married people – liberals would like us to believe they have finally found their moral compass. And in case you’re wondering, the answer is “yes…” If you haven’t heard of these apps then you’re among the last few people on earth who is not using your smart phone to facilitate regularly scheduled promiscuous gay extramarital sex.


sample image of talented tinder user on smart phone

Suddenly, liberals in Hollywood and the media – which are practically the same thing – are scolding the masses for coaxing, tempting, harassing, and trading favors with friends, colleagues, neighbors, co-workers, and elected officials instead of using their iPhones to send pictures of their genitals to strangers on daily basis.

While on their way to women’s marches and anti-conservative rally’s, they’re blasting their favorite rap songs and singing along to lyrics from hit artists like this:

50 Cent: “I’ll take you to the candy shop/ I’ll let you lick the lollipop/ Go ‘head girl, don’t you stop/ Keep going ’til you hit the spot.”

Lil Kim: “You the best, Da Da / Now watch mama, go up and down d— to jaw crazy / Uhh! Say my name baby / Before you nut, I’ma dribble down your butt cheeks / Make you wiggle, then giggle just a little.”

Easy E: “I’d rather fuck with you all goddamn night/‘cause your pussy’s good/Now I’m fucking all your friends/‘cause you ran your mouth like I knew you would”

2 Live Crew: “Face down, ass up/That’s the way I like to fuck/I like the butt, it’s my favourite position/I’m tired of the front, so that’s why I’m bitchin’”

Kanye West who wants to run for President in 2020: “Now if I fuck this model, and she just bleached her asshole/And I get bleach on my T-shirt, I’ma feel like an asshole”

Jay Z who publicly gave advice to Trump about treating people with respect: “Give my ladies dick, my young hoes pee-pee/Hits in a row like MJ, hee hee”

Beyonce who Hillary Clinton professes to love ironically performs these lyrics: “Driver roll up the partition please/I don’t need you seeing ‘yonce on her knees/Took 45 minutes to get all dressed up/We ain’t even gonna make it to this club/Now my mascara running, red lipstick smudged/Oh he so horny, yea he want to f**k/He popped all my buttons, he ripped my blouse/He Monica Lewinsky all on my gown”

Beyonce has other lyrics that probably helped her land a gig at the Superbowl halftime show: “When he f*ck me good I take his ass to Red Lobster, cause I slay/If he hit it right, I might take him on a flight on my chopper, cause I slay”

Three 6 Mafia has this hit song: “Slob on my knob/Like corn on the cob/Check in with me, and do your job/Lay on the bed, and give me head.”

Guaranteed your kids age 12 to 35 are rapping along to “Slob On My Knob” which broke into the Top 10 on the Billboard charts and had more than 100 million spins on music streaming apps in 2017. All of my affluent middle age liberal friends with kids know all of the songs listed here. Rapper Juicy J who wrote the lyrics to “Slob” had this to say, ““Every time I perform, whether it’s Japan, Italy — wherever — I have to perform that track,” he told Vibe Magazine in 2014. “They know it, word for word.” You can learn the history of the song here

Now I’m not a prude and I’m all for freedom of expression especially in the arts, but after an entire generation embraced the rap/hip-hop culture and spent their youth idolizing gangsta thugs, and were then empowered to exhibit filter-free lewd behavior on hand held tech, it shouldn’t be too surprising that some people are confused about what might be inappropriate language and behavior.

Fortunately, we have the liberal entertainment posse coming to the rescue, and their messages are clear. Just follow these 5 simple rules and you can continue having healthy sexual encounters like all the celebrities you know and love:

  1. Don’t offer people gigs, jobs, promotions, money, drugs, dinner, or any other tangible goods and services in exchange for sexual favors. It’s just creepy.
  2. Don’t perform sexual favors in exchange for gigs, jobs, promotions, money, drugs, dinner or any other tangible goods or services unless you have already obtained a written agreement for such.
  3. Don’t compliment anyone you work with — ever. Save any work related praise for written annual reviews and have them previewed by HR and approved by your legal team before sharing with the subordinate.
  4. Don’t share any sexually suggestive or otherwise explicit comments, stories, jokes, or movie recommendations with anyone in the workplace. And keep your mix tapes to yourself.
  5. Don’t discriminate when swiping left or right on your hookup apps. Treat all potential hookups with respect and be aware of your own biases around size, shape, age, color, religion, sexual orientation, and gender identity. How can you possibly know whether you might be sexually compatible with someone based on appearances and behavior?

If any of these rules make you uncomfortable then you’re probably just lacking the right equipment and medication.

Now get out there and start swiping your Tinder bitches!