The time is right for the U.S. government to take over and run all professional sporting leagues as many popular sports have become archaic and due for an overhaul.

Motor sports are run by a bunch of technology hating climate deniers (aka: rednecks). The cars still run on fuel guzzling internal combustion engines and pose a danger to drivers while fans wave American flags and blast country music.

Race horses are mostly owned by rich white families and celebrities, while pro jockeys are mostly short people of European and Latin American descent.

And then there’s football. Among the most popular sports, American football promotes aggressive behavior while owners show blatant disregard for the health and wellness of union workers.

Most pro sports have challenges meeting diversity goals, and their entertainment value is stifled by pesky drug testing.

It’s time for sports fans to trust the government to change all this.

In the words of Lennon (John, not the Russian guy who spells his name wrong), just Imagine a world of sports where the NFL teams are inclusive to the point where jerseys proudly bear the names of players like Nguyen, Patel, Chen, and Nakamura, and cross dressers are empowered to don their favorite dresses in locker rooms during post-game press conferences. Imagine the world of Nascar, Indy, and Formula One switching to electric powered, self-driving cars to show their commitment to curbing climate change. Imagine universal ticket prices set at $12 for every seat, in every sport, in every stadium with free hot dogs for every fan all paid for by a new ASE tax (Affordable Sports & Entertainment).

The government can achieve all of this, and more!

When the government takes over pro sports, Women playing for the Women’s NBA will be paid the same as their male counterparts without having to worry about fan attendance and revenue streams. Height and weight restrictions will be banished in sports like boxing and horse racing. Union players in football and baseball will be evaluated based on tenure and protected from having their livelihood taken away as they get older and less competitive. And all players’ pay will adjust annually with inflation without regard to their performance stats.

Image of tennis playerThe government can put an end to gender bias and discriminatory hiring practices in sports. NFL teams will be required to have a representative number of Asians, Indians, and Pygmies, as compared to their local communities. Dress codes in women’s tennis will be relaxed to accommodate Muslim women. Progressives will celebrate as new professional transgender leagues are formed so that men and women can shed genetic labels and compete with one another putting an end to the debate around whether transgender men have a biological advantage when competing with female cyclists and swimmers.

Government run sporting events will not begin with the traditional national anthem. Instead, each player on the starting roster will be given 30 seconds of open mic time to share their favorite causes and political statements with fans – or to simply sing, yodel, and rap anything they like.

And finally, drug use of all kinds will be encouraged among all athletes. After all, pro sports are about entertainment above all else, and any means athletes feel they can use to gain an edge should be explicitly allowed.

Oh – and everyone gets a trophy.